Bloody Priestess

… a new morning threatens the darkness around me.

… perhaps this is for the better…

… but most of the time, this dawn brings nothing more that more fear of the unknown that is inevitably coming to my horizons.

… they tell me to be strong. they tell me that it is time to grow.

… though my overt silence is resounding, my inner voice screams: NEVER!

… i’d like to retain some of my naivety, thank you very much.

… i know that reality will try to shake one into wakefulness, but my inner voice continue to scream: NEVER!

… reality will try, and occasionally overpower my sad, little, bull-headed inner voice. and i must tell you, this causes me great strain and sadness. i hate it when i fold. it makes me feel how worthless my efforts really are.

.. i know of people who pat my back and say, it is only human to fail.

… i say, they’re only reassuring themselves. oh please. don’t give me you’re self-righteous indignation. i know, you’re only trying to protect your own egos. i don’t blame you. “It is only human to fail”, or so you said, right?

… oh, i don’t mean to be unfair to use your own words against you. but surely, you understand that, that’s how i feel when you reassure me only to reassure yourselves.

… you see. you are not truly helping me. matter of fact, you are helping yourself. and when i see through your pretty words of your “supposedly” good intention.

i am disappointed in you.

… i guess people are truly selfish. or……….. could it be, that… that’s what you want me to learn after all. and that all these haloo-baloo are just “pre-requite” of sorts to learn that great truth.

… when you tell me that people that people are truly selfish, i am devastated twice over.

…you know all too well how much i believe that people are “by nature good”. and when, my opinions are challenged, i waver under the strain of the punishing storms.

… when i fail to hold my ground, and when my umbrella is not strong enough… i get drenched and miserable as the lost, wet, owner-less chick i look like.

… something about being too much like my self (weak, miserable, dark-and-gloomy) irritates me, but when i become more like what you want me to be… i am twice over unhappy, desolate and confounded.

… don’t get confused. i’ve always been this fragmented.

…………… i cannot be myself because I am unacceptable……………

i cannot be what i’m supposed to be because that is not what nature intended. ………….

i cannot be what i aspire to be because that is not what you want me to be.

… tell me how i can not be fragmented with that?