Bloody Priestess

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“It’s really not your fault
When no one cares to talk about it,
To talk about it..”

-Emergency by Paramore

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… silence ensures as I find my mouth once again stuffed with norms and expectancies that prevented me from speaking out.

… mayhap, ‘twould be for the best to remain in the shroud of silence. And simply leave everything for other people to discern for themselves…

… mayhap, ‘twould be better if you maintain your detachment and leave room for them make their faulty conclusions to why you’re this now.

… here i am again, trying to make sense of myself and this whole struggle, we all call “existence“.

… i catch myself wondering if there would be an end to all this. And if how much more can i take?

… this current punishing storm is picking up speed and strength. I cower and for a moment i got caught and sank pretty deep.

… in those few moments under the murky waters, where it was hard to breathe–i sought an end. but then, i was too cowardly to do something really drastic. damn me!

… when i did finally broke the surface and found my way back (more or less) to the shore i, oh so abhor… i found myself pathetically wavering… still experiencing the after effects of being under seize by those disorienting winds of discouragement and violently swayed by the battering waves of frustration.

… under the harsh glaze of sunlight that held the promise of a brighter, sunnier morrow, i stand - battered but (and to my reluctant dismay) alive. i look back to those dark clouds and felt my face burn with ire and shame.

… because my worn-out expression, my bloodshot eyes, and my wounded wrist(s) proclaimed to the world the inferno i’ve been through. All of the sudden, i did not want the world to know. Suddenly, i was ashamed that did not try harder to keep myself from going under. I could have helped myself.

… but during those moments of near-drowning, i did not want to fight. Honestly, i was daring the waters to take me where it will. But alas, nothing.

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do ask questions.

resistance is only natural defensive reaction.

try harder and rewards, you will reap.

-bp

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